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Funny Quotes
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.

DAVID DINKINS
I remmember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

CALVIN
He's so optimistic he'd buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.

CHUCK TANNER
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

BOB HOPE
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Half of the people in the world are below average.

ANONYMOUS
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
I can resist everything except temptation.

OSCAR WILDE
The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.

DAVID FRIEDMAN
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

UNKNOWN
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

UNKNOWN
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

ANONYMOUS
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

WHITNEY BROWN
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

ANONYMOUS
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man.

SOCRATES
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

SAM LEVENSON
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.

ILIE NASTASE
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

ANONYMOUS
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

ANONYMOUS
A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

ANONYMOUS
Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

ROBERT ORBEN
I ain't sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.

JOHATHAN RABAN
A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.

ANONYMOUS
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

ISSAC ASIMOV
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

MAE WEST
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

MARK TWAIN
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

WOODY ALLEN
I like children - fried.

W. C. FIELDS
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

ROBERT ORBEN
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

RONALD REAGAN
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese.

CHRIS ROCK
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?

ANONYMOUS
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

ROBERT FROST
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

BOB MONKHOUSE
Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

SAMUEL GOLDWYN
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.

MAE WEST
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

OSCAR WILDE
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

CORDEL HULL
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next.

FRANKLIN P. JONES
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

RICHARD HARKNESS
Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again.

F. P. JONES
Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.

ANONYMOUS
A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

ANONYMOUS
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

ANONYMOUS
One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.

EURIPIDES
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

THOMAS F. JONES, JR.
If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?

ANONYMOUS
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

RICHARD BACH
Here is a test to find out whether your mission in life is complete. If you're alive, it isn't

RICHARD BACH
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names

JOHN FITZGERALD KENNEDY
He had decided to live forever or die trying

JOSEPH HELLER